By His Grace
Losing Us: When Motherhood Becomes an Idol

Losing Us: When Motherhood Becomes an Idol

Losing Us: When Motherhood Becomes an Idol

by September McCarthy

No one told me that I could have such lonely, silent times in my marriage. What happened to the days that seemed so bright and beautiful and filled with such promise? 

My loneliness, the disagreements, and even the love we had shared together seemed to slowly fade into busy lives caring for children. Lives filled with exhaustion, short fuses, and a weariness that would cause us both to ignore the problem or give up altogether. After we said “I do,” life happened, and children took up residence in the cracks of every inch of our life.

I had become the mother.

He had become the father.

And we had lost us.

I had become the mother. He had become the father. And we had lost us. Click To Tweet

Were we falling “out of love and living off the leftovers or crumbs at the end of long work and parenting days? 

We were a mess. The routine had become a steady rhythm of care for our family, with less and less focus on our first love. We moved into comfortable places of doing our jobs, avoiding the tough places and giving our first-fruits to the children before us. I wish someone had come alongside us to lovingly tell us that parenting is not a priority over marriage. 

You cannot really “fall out of love.” You just need to figure out when you began loving something else more.

We had let go of the cord of love that held us together. We watched it uncoil to the ground in a loose pile. The pull and strain of life, babies, financial stress, and marriage can shear away at the strands of love you have with your spouse until there seems to be nothing left to hold onto.

It happens slowly.

When our focus is only on motherhood, you can and will sideline your spouse. 

So, how do we find our way back to our first love?

Remember, you were created to “do this,” together. 

When my husband and I changed our perspective and focus, we became a team. If there is one word to clearly define the instrument of this change together, our restart, it is this: humility.

True love apologizes.

True love shares the wins, and mourns the losses together,

True love saves the best for the other.

True love puts the other first.

True love listens and learns.

True love remembers that parenting is a season.

True love fights for the other, not against.

True love sees the needs.

True love is available.

True love never stops talking.

True love knows change can be good.

True love learns to love the new you.

True love wins.

Seeing the pattern of our parenting priority over our marriage is the first step closer to that truest of love we can show our spouses. Click To Tweet

Seeing the pattern of our parenting priority over our marriage is the first step closer to that truest of love we can show our spouses.

Knowing there is a way to overcome the patterns of sidelining our spouses is the second cord of hope you can hold onto. 

Living the truth of scripture and its promises for a life full of love will bring the unity God promises.

Perhaps this is you. Are you seeing the slow-moving patterns you are becoming comfortable with that leave you feeling distant, discouraged, and disheartened with motherhood or marriage?  I encourage you to hold onto your first love. Re-discover the new you together. Ask the Lord for humility and remembrance as you slowly practice new life-giving habits of love investment into your spouse that you perhaps had let go of.

Your spouse is worth it. 

September McCarthy

Bio:

September is a wife, mom to 10, author, and speaker. September co-hosts the Mom to Mom generational podcast with Kate Battistelli and Jamie Erickson. September is also the author of {Why} Motherhood Matters and the founder of September & Co., an Etsy shop for whole-family Biblically based and hands-on learning for every family. September lives a rural life, with her growing family, chickens, gardening, shelves overflowing with books, and a project always on the horizon. Her family is her #1 priority and her heart is always at home. She believes in new mercies every day and fresh grace on everyone she meets.

Instagram:
September & Co. Etsy shop:
Free gift:Life-Speaking Truths to inspire you on your motherhood journey.
https://bit.ly/lifespeakingtruths
September McCarthy: Motherhood as an Idol

September McCarthy: Motherhood as an Idol

What happens when your marriage looks more like a business transaction than a sacred relationship?  Listen in today as September McCarthy shares a portion of her motherhood journey, and how it affected her marriage relationship. She is a wife and busy mom of 10, author, and podcaster.

We discuss:

  • Loving your husband more than your kids.
  • Not allowing motherhood to take a priority over your marriage.
  • Motherhood as an idol comes as a thief in the night.
  • Practical ways to focus on our marriage
  • and more

September McCarthy is a wife, mom to 10, author, and speaker. September co-hosts the Mom to Mom generational podcast with Kate Battistelli and Jamie Erickson. September is also the author of {Why} Motherhood Matters and the founder of September & Co., an Etsy shop for whole-family Biblically based and hands-on learning for every family. September lives a rural life, with her growing family, chickens, gardening, shelves overflowing with books, and a project always on the horizon. Her family is her #1 priority and her heart is always at home. She believes in new mercies every day and fresh grace on everyone she meets.
September & Co. Etsy shop:
Free gift:
Life-Speaking Truths to inspire you on your motherhood journey.
https://bit.ly/lifespeakingtruths

 

Purposeful Passionate Marriage – William Hutcheson

Purposeful Passionate Marriage – William Hutcheson

Being intentional in your marriage relationship can lead to a purposeful and passionate marriage. This week on By His Grace, my guest pastor and marriage coach William Hutcheson shares wisdom on marriage from his 38 years of experience helping both newlyweds and established couples to have the happy relationship God intends.

The first 25 people that reach out to Bill for a free discovery call will also receive a signed copy of his new book, Marriage Maximized: The Guide to a Purposeful; and Passionate Relationship. To claim your free discovery call and book

Go to: https://selflesslove.net/byhisgrace/

Thanks for listening to this episode. Please share with a friend who could benefit from this episode and these free resources.

Communicating in a Way Your Husband Can Understand

Communicating in a Way Your Husband Can Understand

This week on By His Grace Podcast author Charity Bradshaw and I talk about the importance of communication in marriage. Communication or lack of communication is one of the biggest problems that affect couples today. So excited to introduce you to Charity and Ted Bradshaw! Their new book Staying I Do: Committed, Connected & Crazy in Love for a Lifetime is available for pre-order now and launches March 5, 2019.

Today Charity challenges wives to clearly communicate with their husbands. Please welcome Charity Bradshaw to the blog today.


Communicating in a Way Your Husband Can Understand

by Charity Bradshaw

Movies, sitcoms, books and magazines have conditioned us to believe that husbands can read our minds. “How to give him ‘THE LOOK’ that says it all” and other ridiculous headlines convince us that nothing needs to come out of our mouths in order for them to know what’s on our mind. FALSE.

“Charity, that’s #obvi.”

Oh really? 

Tell me you’ve never: 

  • thought your husband would put away the dishes without having to be asked after you had a really long day?
  • waited to see if he would notice and comment when you come out of the bathroom with your hair and makeup done?
  • craved his affection but made yourself wait until it came from his own initiative?

It couldn’t have been because he wasn’t picking up what you were putting down in your thoughts, was it? Of course, not. It’s because he’s a mind-reader and knew what you wanted but didn’t do it anyway, right? No! 

Laides, here’s the truth: Men are not as complicated as we are. Many men successfully and joyfully live in the now, focusing on one task at a time, one thought at a time. While that beautiful simplicity sometimes makes me jealous (because it seems so serene), it can also be a point of frustration. 

If I don’t intentionally remember how my husband is wired, I may actually get mad at him for something I thought he should do (but never mentioned out loud) that he didn’t end up doing. I know, I’m the only one. This idea of mind-reading is a God-sized expectation we put on our ever-so-human spouse. Sure, there may be times after years of knowing you that your husband can predict your needs or desires, but in the here and now, we need to function in a way that builds a marriage that thrives.

This ‘unspoken’ habit can wear down a relationship if not reversed. Click To Tweet

(Spoiler Alert: It is totally fixable and avoidable.)

Let’s start with the fact that husbands can only address things they are AWARE OF and REMEMBER.

Let me give you an example. I love when my husband writes me notes or letters. I am a ‘words of affirmation’ gal and enjoy reading and rereading his writings to me often. While we were dating, I told him about my love for letters and he acknowledged it. He did mention it was out of his wheelhouse but was willing to do it because he knew how much it meant to me.

Fast forward several months into our marriage and I noticed the note-writing had slowed down. I had two choices: become resentful, crunchy and bitter from not receiving letters, OR remind him that I would love for him to write to me and give him room to meet that desire. He’s not forgetting on purpose, it’s just not always front of mind when I would like one.

Pride convinces us to deny ourselves the love and affection we desire. It tells us to hold out, keep quiet and wait for it, all the while fueling the anger from unmet expectations within us.

Friends, this is a vicious cycle. It is self-destruction masked as an offense committed against us.

Humility, however, allows us to love ourselves enough to acknowledge and validate our need, as well as ask our spouse for it. I did (and continue to) let my husband know what my need is and how I would like for him to meet it. 

One of the things my husband loves most about me is that he always knows where he stands with me. He trusts that I will let him know if one of my love-tanks is running low or empty. He knows that I will include him in what I’m thinking by sharing it with him. 

Some of us get hung up on to the part of that quote, “…and if necessary, use words.” The words that come out of our mouth give us the best chance of getting our point across. If you have been withholding yourself by not communicating your needs or desires with your husband and then found yourself mad at him because he wasn’t reading your mind, I encourage you to set this record straight. 

First, apologize. Tell him what’s been going on and perhaps it will explain why he’s been feeling you were on edge lately. Promise to work on using words, not brainwaves, to communicate openly and honestly with him. Help him build trust in you that he will always know where he stands with you.

This is really a gift to yourself.

The enemy would like nothing more than to destroy the witness or testimony of your marriage. Personally, I am fan of the “a good offense is a good offense” strategy. Don’t wait for trouble to find your marriage, then simply try to fix it.

Use your words, now.

Open, honest (and audible) communication is the ounce of prevention that renders nearly all problems that could test a marriage, powerless.

Open, honest (and audible) communication is the ounce of prevention that renders nearly all problems that could test a marriage, powerless. Click To Tweet

“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” Ephesians 4:15 NIV


Charity Bradshaw is a wife, mother of four, author and entrepreneur. She is an expert at helping people who want to write a book become authors through Launch Author Coaching, her live 12-week virtual program. She is the President of LifeWise Books, a publishing house catering to authors with meaningful messages looking for top-notch service matched with honesty and integrity.
Charity and her husband, Ted married in 2002. Between their wild life of parenting four big personalities and rewatching their favorite episodes of The Office, they co-authored Staying I Do: Committed, Connected, & Crazy in Love For a Lifetime helping couples connect to the amazing benefits of marriage.

FB-@tedandcharity
FB- @charitybradshawinc
IG- @charitybradshaw 
Charity Bradshaw: Staying I Do

Charity Bradshaw: Staying I Do

Episode 11: Charity Bradshaw – Staying I Do

Author Charity Bradshaw joins me to talk about the importance of communication in marriage. Charity is the author of Staying I Do: Committed, Connected & Crazy in Love for a Lifetime. 

Charity Bradshaw is a wife, mother of four, author and entrepreneur. She is an expert at helping people become authors through Launch Author Coaching, her live 12-week virtual program. She is the President of LifeWise Books, a publishing house catering to authors with meaningful messages looking for top-notch service matched with honesty and integrity.
 
Charity and her husband, Ted married in 2002. Together they co-authored Staying I Do: Committed, Connected, & Crazy in Love For a Lifetime. They desire to help couples connect to the amazing benefits of marriage.
 
FB-@tedandcharity
FB- @charitybradshawinc
IG- @charitybradshaw 

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