By His Grace

Losing Us: When Motherhood Becomes an Idol

by September McCarthy

No one told me that I could have such lonely, silent times in my marriage. What happened to the days that seemed so bright and beautiful and filled with such promise? 

My loneliness, the disagreements, and even the love we had shared together seemed to slowly fade into busy lives caring for children. Lives filled with exhaustion, short fuses, and a weariness that would cause us both to ignore the problem or give up altogether. After we said “I do,” life happened, and children took up residence in the cracks of every inch of our life.

I had become the mother.

He had become the father.

And we had lost us.

I had become the mother. He had become the father. And we had lost us. Click To Tweet

Were we falling “out of love and living off the leftovers or crumbs at the end of long work and parenting days? 

We were a mess. The routine had become a steady rhythm of care for our family, with less and less focus on our first love. We moved into comfortable places of doing our jobs, avoiding the tough places and giving our first-fruits to the children before us. I wish someone had come alongside us to lovingly tell us that parenting is not a priority over marriage. 

You cannot really “fall out of love.” You just need to figure out when you began loving something else more.

We had let go of the cord of love that held us together. We watched it uncoil to the ground in a loose pile. The pull and strain of life, babies, financial stress, and marriage can shear away at the strands of love you have with your spouse until there seems to be nothing left to hold onto.

It happens slowly.

When our focus is only on motherhood, you can and will sideline your spouse. 

So, how do we find our way back to our first love?

Remember, you were created to “do this,” together. 

When my husband and I changed our perspective and focus, we became a team. If there is one word to clearly define the instrument of this change together, our restart, it is this: humility.

True love apologizes.

True love shares the wins, and mourns the losses together,

True love saves the best for the other.

True love puts the other first.

True love listens and learns.

True love remembers that parenting is a season.

True love fights for the other, not against.

True love sees the needs.

True love is available.

True love never stops talking.

True love knows change can be good.

True love learns to love the new you.

True love wins.

Seeing the pattern of our parenting priority over our marriage is the first step closer to that truest of love we can show our spouses. Click To Tweet

Seeing the pattern of our parenting priority over our marriage is the first step closer to that truest of love we can show our spouses.

Knowing there is a way to overcome the patterns of sidelining our spouses is the second cord of hope you can hold onto. 

Living the truth of scripture and its promises for a life full of love will bring the unity God promises.

Perhaps this is you. Are you seeing the slow-moving patterns you are becoming comfortable with that leave you feeling distant, discouraged, and disheartened with motherhood or marriage?  I encourage you to hold onto your first love. Re-discover the new you together. Ask the Lord for humility and remembrance as you slowly practice new life-giving habits of love investment into your spouse that you perhaps had let go of.

Your spouse is worth it. 

September McCarthy


September is a wife, mom to 10, author, and speaker. September co-hosts the Mom to Mom generational podcast with Kate Battistelli and Jamie Erickson. September is also the author of {Why} Motherhood Matters and the founder of September & Co., an Etsy shop for whole-family Biblically based and hands-on learning for every family. September lives a rural life, with her growing family, chickens, gardening, shelves overflowing with books, and a project always on the horizon. Her family is her #1 priority and her heart is always at home. She believes in new mercies every day and fresh grace on everyone she meets.

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