Communicating in a Way Your Husband Can Understand

Communicating in a Way Your Husband Can Understand

This week on By His Grace Podcast author Charity Bradshaw and I talk about the importance of communication in marriage. Communication or lack of communication is one of the biggest problems that affect couples today. So excited to introduce you to Charity and Ted Bradshaw! Their new book Staying I Do: Committed, Connected & Crazy in Love for a Lifetime is available for pre-order now and launches March 5, 2019.

Today Charity challenges wives to clearly communicate with their husbands. Please welcome Charity Bradshaw to the blog today.


Communicating in a Way Your Husband Can Understand

by Charity Bradshaw

Movies, sitcoms, books and magazines have conditioned us to believe that husbands can read our minds. “How to give him ‘THE LOOK’ that says it all” and other ridiculous headlines convince us that nothing needs to come out of our mouths in order for them to know what’s on our mind. FALSE.

“Charity, that’s #obvi.”

Oh really? 

Tell me you’ve never: 

  • thought your husband would put away the dishes without having to be asked after you had a really long day?
  • waited to see if he would notice and comment when you come out of the bathroom with your hair and makeup done?
  • craved his affection but made yourself wait until it came from his own initiative?

It couldn’t have been because he wasn’t picking up what you were putting down in your thoughts, was it? Of course, not. It’s because he’s a mind-reader and knew what you wanted but didn’t do it anyway, right? No! 

Laides, here’s the truth: Men are not as complicated as we are. Many men successfully and joyfully live in the now, focusing on one task at a time, one thought at a time. While that beautiful simplicity sometimes makes me jealous (because it seems so serene), it can also be a point of frustration. 

If I don’t intentionally remember how my husband is wired, I may actually get mad at him for something I thought he should do (but never mentioned out loud) that he didn’t end up doing. I know, I’m the only one. This idea of mind-reading is a God-sized expectation we put on our ever-so-human spouse. Sure, there may be times after years of knowing you that your husband can predict your needs or desires, but in the here and now, we need to function in a way that builds a marriage that thrives.

This ‘unspoken’ habit can wear down a relationship if not reversed. Click To Tweet

(Spoiler Alert: It is totally fixable and avoidable.)

Let’s start with the fact that husbands can only address things they are AWARE OF and REMEMBER.

Let me give you an example. I love when my husband writes me notes or letters. I am a ‘words of affirmation’ gal and enjoy reading and rereading his writings to me often. While we were dating, I told him about my love for letters and he acknowledged it. He did mention it was out of his wheelhouse but was willing to do it because he knew how much it meant to me.

Fast forward several months into our marriage and I noticed the note-writing had slowed down. I had two choices: become resentful, crunchy and bitter from not receiving letters, OR remind him that I would love for him to write to me and give him room to meet that desire. He’s not forgetting on purpose, it’s just not always front of mind when I would like one.

Pride convinces us to deny ourselves the love and affection we desire. It tells us to hold out, keep quiet and wait for it, all the while fueling the anger from unmet expectations within us.

Friends, this is a vicious cycle. It is self-destruction masked as an offense committed against us.

Humility, however, allows us to love ourselves enough to acknowledge and validate our need, as well as ask our spouse for it. I did (and continue to) let my husband know what my need is and how I would like for him to meet it. 

One of the things my husband loves most about me is that he always knows where he stands with me. He trusts that I will let him know if one of my love-tanks is running low or empty. He knows that I will include him in what I’m thinking by sharing it with him. 

Some of us get hung up on to the part of that quote, “…and if necessary, use words.” The words that come out of our mouth give us the best chance of getting our point across. If you have been withholding yourself by not communicating your needs or desires with your husband and then found yourself mad at him because he wasn’t reading your mind, I encourage you to set this record straight. 

First, apologize. Tell him what’s been going on and perhaps it will explain why he’s been feeling you were on edge lately. Promise to work on using words, not brainwaves, to communicate openly and honestly with him. Help him build trust in you that he will always know where he stands with you.

This is really a gift to yourself.

The enemy would like nothing more than to destroy the witness or testimony of your marriage. Personally, I am fan of the “a good offense is a good offense” strategy. Don’t wait for trouble to find your marriage, then simply try to fix it.

Use your words, now.

Open, honest (and audible) communication is the ounce of prevention that renders nearly all problems that could test a marriage, powerless.

Open, honest (and audible) communication is the ounce of prevention that renders nearly all problems that could test a marriage, powerless. Click To Tweet

“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” Ephesians 4:15 NIV


Charity Bradshaw is a wife, mother of four, author and entrepreneur. She is an expert at helping people who want to write a book become authors through Launch Author Coaching, her live 12-week virtual program. She is the President of LifeWise Books, a publishing house catering to authors with meaningful messages looking for top-notch service matched with honesty and integrity.
Charity and her husband, Ted married in 2002. Between their wild life of parenting four big personalities and rewatching their favorite episodes of The Office, they co-authored Staying I Do: Committed, Connected, & Crazy in Love For a Lifetime helping couples connect to the amazing benefits of marriage.

FB-@tedandcharity
FB- @charitybradshawinc
IG- @charitybradshaw 
Charity Bradshaw: Staying I Do

Charity Bradshaw: Staying I Do

Episode 11: Charity Bradshaw – Staying I Do

Author Charity Bradshaw joins me to talk about the importance of communication in marriage. Charity is the author of Staying I Do: Committed, Connected & Crazy in Love for a Lifetime. 

Charity Bradshaw is a wife, mother of four, author and entrepreneur. She is an expert at helping people become authors through Launch Author Coaching, her live 12-week virtual program. She is the President of LifeWise Books, a publishing house catering to authors with meaningful messages looking for top-notch service matched with honesty and integrity.
 
Charity and her husband, Ted married in 2002. Together they co-authored Staying I Do: Committed, Connected, & Crazy in Love For a Lifetime. They desire to help couples connect to the amazing benefits of marriage.
 
FB-@tedandcharity
FB- @charitybradshawinc
IG- @charitybradshaw 
Gospel of Matthew

Gospel of Matthew

As an author and blogger, I have the opportunity to read and review many books. I am selective in the books I choose review because I want to make sure what I select will serve my readers well. This past summer I sat at the feet of Jesus with a group of friends feasting on the teaching of Jesus in The Sermon on the Mount. The Gospel of Matthew is so rich in content, and Alabaster brings the book to life in a beautiful way. So after taking one look at The Gospel of Mathew by Alabaster Co, I jumped at the chance to review this to share with you.

 

 

The Gospel of Matthew is one of the many beautiful books and sleek designs by Alabaster Co that showcases the books of the Bible. I was immediately drawn to their high-quality design and amazing look and feel. From the moment you open the book through the credits the stunning visuals in the book coupled with the beauty of the gospel produces a coffee table worthy book that will draw people in and begs them to pick it up and dive in to reading it.

 

 

 

Something special happens when beauty, culture, and faith intersect, and that something is exemplified in the Gospel Of Matthew by Alabaster Co. Click To Tweet

The book begins with an artist Introduction, “When thinking of Matthew, the Sermon on the Mount is often the first part of the text that comes to mind. Jesus offers a reimagined, upsidedown kingdom through his new teachings, one where everyone – regardless of social or financial status – is invited…Our culture is constantly searching for the beginning. We are frenetically searching for ‘the next thing’ that will satisfy us. Yet in the hunt for fulfillment, what if the teachings Jesus offers here is the beginning we long for? What if Jesus’ upside down kingdom brings us the life we need? Here is The Gospel Of Matthew.”

 

The Gospel of Matthew comes to life through the New Living Translation and the sleek modern design and pictures.

 

The Alabaster Story

Alabaster Co. began late one night when friends Bryan Chung and Brian Chung were deep in discussion on creativity and God. Reflecting on the direction culture was taking toward visual images, innovation and design, an idea was born: create a brand passionate about fully exploring the intersection of creativity, beauty, and faith.

Realizing that beauty is a foundational value when talking about creativity and God, they decided to name the company Alabaster, after one of the only times Jesus uses the word beautiful in the Gospels. In Mark 14:1-9, a woman breaks an alabaster jar of incredibly expensive perfume onto Jesus’ head. Many people in the room scoff at her and say what she has done is a complete waste. But Jesus defends the woman saying, “leave her alone, why do you bother her? What she has done is a beautiful thing.” It is this complete act of sacrificial giving which Jesus calls – in the original greek – kalos, which literally means beautiful as a sign of inward goodness. We wanted to have this same level of intentionality and thoughtfulness as the woman did as we created Alabaster.

 

Alabaster is giving away this beautiful set of the gospels!

 

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Hope you check out this gem from Alabaster Co. and stay tuned for more great book recommendations. I am working on several book launch teams and will be sharing some other great reads with you all very soon! 

Much Love,

Misty Phillip

Finding Hope in Grief 

My guest on By His Grace this week Lauren Birchmire and I are kindred spirits when it comes to grief and loss. We both experienced the loss of our father’s suddenly and had to get married without our Daddy’s to give us away. We both know the anguish that comes from losing a child, and our hopes being crushed. But we also know that where there are deep wounds there is deep grace that comes from Jesus. When we cast our cares on Jesus we exchange our heavy burden for His peace that transcends our understanding. Lauren shares a little more of her story on the blog today. She offers some practical tips and advice on how to help a friend or loved one who is grieving.


Finding Hope in Grief 

by Lauren Birchmire

We use the word hope in many ways; I hope my children behave today, I wish the monthly budget is balanced, I want to get that raise, I hope my husband starts listening to me more, I think I can get this “to do list” done today.

It’s not wrong to hope for these things, but it can turn into hurt or hang-up when we ONLY put our hope in earthly thinking. I’ve hoped in the same way. I longed for my husband to stop drinking, I desired a healthy child.

I hoped for the miracle that didn’t come.

I’ve learned I can’t put my hope in just earthly events. We live in a fallen world, and it doesn’t work as God created. I have to remind myself daily of this truth. I ask God for peace and to put my peace and hope in Christ.

When you lose something so precious, we can either ground ourselves in that hurt; and be bitter or say to God, USE IT.

I have hoped and grieved a few times in this earthly life.

I suddenly lost my father to pancreatic cancer. We had no idea he had cancer until two weeks before he passed.

I’ve grieved my husband being an alcoholic, and not trusting him any longer.

Thankfully, by the grace of God, we will celebrate six years of sobriety in March. In April of 2017, we found out the news that our first child, our daughter Makena, would be born with a heart defect. We had two precious weeks of parenting her before her first surgery in late August of 2017. She had her second surgery on September the 6th, about 12 hours after that second surgery she went into sudden cardiac arrest, and went to heaven. We will never know this side of heaven why she went into cardiac arrest. My daughter lived for 3 ½ weeks.

These hurts that have occurred in my life have provided me the opportunity to learn about grieving well and finding hope in Christ. Click To Tweet

You might be feeling the stain of grief or some other emotions, but one thing I know for sure, YOU’RE NOT ALONE!

We grieve many things in this life, loss of job, money, a hurt that a loved one caused, separation from family or friends, the death of a loved one, etc.

We need to grieve and allow others to mourn too.

We are a society that pushes things away; if I pretend it is not there, then I won’t feel it.

That is a lie from Satan; he loves to twist the truth and make it sound so believable. We enter a pit of despair that we feel there is no escaping, but There is a way out! God provides the way, and through entering into that pain; you will come out the other side.

This does not mean the grief ends. It can hit you on the most mundane moment in a day, one simple memory will provide a puddle of tears, but I know who is collecting all those tears…Jesus. He will walk through that grief with you if you allow it. I had days that I would start sobbing while changing the laundry over because it reminded me of all the baby clothes I washed and prepped for Makena. I sobbed while washing the dishes because I felt I should be washing bottles or her little body instead.

I say to enter the pain, feel it, allow yourself to cry and cry out to God; He can take it, the good, the bad, the ugly. HE wants to hear it ALL.

Do not fear to reach out to someone you trust to share these deep hurts with, find a trusted Christian counselor, dive into a bible study about grief and loss, or find a Celebrate Recovery group near you. I’ve done all these suggested, and it allowed me to be in a healthy place with my grief; that I could not have done without Christ.

We aren’t meant to do grief alone.

What can you do for a friend or loved one who is grieving?

  • BE PRESENT!
  • Offer to do those dishes or laundry, sit with them and listen, watch a movie, and offer more than once.
  • Don’t try to keep the pain away, but enter it with them. Don’t say the cliche things like “oh they’re in a better place,” “oh they wouldn’t want you sad,” “Thank goodness the illness was short, not drawn out.” Or “at least you had time to say goodbye.” Lastly, the biggest one of all, “God must have needed them.” God doesn’t need anyone; we need him!
  • Don’t say the contrite things as it just makes that person feel like they shouldn’t grieve. Be present, offer to help, listen, validate their feelings, speak God’s truth to them lovingly when Satan tries to whisper lies to them. That is it. If they cry, go ahead and cry with them. When we grief well it keeps us healthy and prevents us from seeking other hang-ups or habits that bring us into bondage, not freedom.

I do have some earthly hope, our second daughter will make her entrance in about eight weeks, but my daily hope that gets me through each hardship, each day of grief is that this life is temporary in the long term and one day it will all be set right.

God never wastes a hurt if you allow Him to use it. Click To Tweet

God has called me into public speaking on grief, addictions, and hope. My loving husband and I are starting a ministry called, Makena Ministries “United in Tragedy to bring hope” I believe God is using my story to share what true hope in living in Christ’s care can do even in the darkest of circumstances.


Nothing is impossible with God! He makes beauty from the ashes and promises to carry us through the storms of life. For more information about Makena Ministries, you can email the Birchmire’s at birchmire@icloud.com.

We are celebrating the 10th episode of By His Grace today!! If you are enjoying these podcasts would you mind sharing your favorite episode with your friends? Also, you can subscribe under the podcast tab or on iTunes and they will come straight to your inbox each week. Hope you have a great week!

Much Love,

 

Misty Phillip

Lauren Birchmire: From Grief to Grace

Lauren Birchmire: From Grief to Grace

Episode 10: Lauren White Birchmire – From Grief to Grace

Lauren and her husband David suffered the loss of their first child at three and a half weeks old, their daughter Makena to a heart defect.  Lauren went from not wanting a memorial service; to speaking at the memorial for nearly twenty minutes. Lauren clung to the hope found in Romans 15:13.  As a result, God began working in this devastation. 

A vast part of their healing has come through Celebrate Recovery. A twelve-step Christian based program that has helped Lauren navigate her anxiety and grief, and has helped her husband overcome alcoholism and pornography. 

 

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